Autumn Leaves in Summer
9/14/26
Create. Think. Connect. A puzzle piece with no connection. Heavy but weightless. Anxious but still. Who am I? Why don’t I recognize. Why don’t I identify with what I see in the mirror. Justin is just a name. Just a word. Son. Husband. Friend. Those words tell me more than a name. Each are a separate person. The unifying whole is a mystery. Was it ever real? Why don’t I remember. Alive on a page but missing in the real world. Existing in my head. What about my actions? Exhausted. Hollow. The synopsis of my actions. I continue out of habit Routine. Familiarity. To change was exciting. Liberating. Fulfilling. Now, I only change state to the next me in the cycle. The new me never flourishes.
9/15/26
Autumn leaves in Summer. Signs of the coming decline in the midst of the peak. The air cools. The sun retreats. The animals hide. The world begins to desaturate. Do you cling to the vibrance while it remains or transition to the new regime? If my purpose is to understand, why does it feel like I know nothing. I’ve learned a lot, but the more I learn the less I know. Expanding my mind to more truth and possibility reinforces my insignificance. Its almost inviting paradoxically. The less important I am, the freer I can be. It doesn’t matter if I waste my potential on frivolous things because I was never necessary anyways. I struggle not for the redemption and prosperity of humanity, but to mark I existed at all. That is enough.
9/16/26
Liminal Faint motivation. Imaginary obstacles. Primed for ignition. Afraid to strike the match. What if? What if? What if. If always what if, then when. Never. I’d rather ever than never. So I should. So I will. I’m tired of should and could. I never even make it to would. So I will. Even if I don’t know. I will. Even if I don’t think. I will. Will is what I’m missing. Will is what I need. If I’m going to understand, its not food enough to know. I have to do it anyways. Even when I know. Doing will teach me more. Doing will grow me more. Enough liminal. Enough uncertainty. I will. Move before you think. Think fast enough to catch up. Adjust while moving to the feedback. That is to live.