Pursuing The Wrong Goals, To Live But Feel Nothing

9/12/26

Ambition. Motivation. Laziness. Complacency. Isolation. Deep Inner Disconnection. To be alive externally but still internally. To feel the pulse. The pumping of blood. The firing of electrons. The contraction and extension of muscles. The ache of the skeleton. The weight of it all. But to feel no activity of the soul. No emotion other than in reaction to stimuli. Thoughts that avoid the future for the security of the present. To know that this current moment is real and tangible. The next may never come. What came before is no longer. Naivete is bliss. Except that I’m aware.

9/13/26

Empty Vessel. To have no mouth but need to scream. I get it. Living and existing in service to others. Fulfilling until its not. Expected to do. Appreciated but only so much. Seen as the vessel but unseen as the person within. If I’m selfish I’m unfulfilled. Rudderless. What good is it to give myself time if I don’t know how to use it. Being pushed, motivated, needed by others gives clear direction. I can follow that even if I don’t like it. I don’t allow myself to think of how I feel. When I do I just stall. I’m valuable as a tool but I’m a poor wielder. I can wield others in pursuit of a goal but I can’t give myself a goal. How can I wield myself? What makes Thor worthy to Mjölnir? How can I be both?

Passion. Purpose. I feel purpose in helping and supporting others. I feel passion towards my hobbies and desires. Fleeting passion. Temporary purpose. The only constant in life is change. The only true goal is to grow and not decay. And yet grow into what? I do not know. An interest that is constant and enduring? I don’t know it. A purpose that I commit to daily? I hope for. Passion beyond the allure of what could be. If only. What separates me from true change and real growth? Shackled by the knowledge that I’m capable and unable to accept that I am not. Indomitable in my belief that I can. Disheartened by the truth that I wont. A prisoner of past and future. Holding the keys to my own cell.